Are there any more 'nun' jokes?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 12:32
A priest is walking down the street…
Nun.
With the help of our selection of adult nun jokes, enter the world of humor for grownups. With a splash of some glamour, these jokes are made to make you laugh.
How do I get over a long-term relationship breakup?
Nun.
She goes to pray at her father’s grave on the St. Martin graveyard every Sunday at 10AM”.
1 nun gasps, 99 nuns giggle.
“Oh god dammit, I missed.”
Seeing all this, the third nun in line taps the sister in front of her and says, “Sister, would it be ok if I cut in front of you in line?” The second nun says, “well, certainly sister, but why?” The third nun replies “I want to gargle that holy water before you stick your ass in it.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal
What is your opinion about homosexuality? Do you think that it is by nature or a choice?
In desperation, the nun with all the ideas suggests, “Show him your cross, sister.”
……falls of a cliff and they all die.
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
The first nun said, “I was going through father’s desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer.”
Virgin Mobile.
Because it’s a bad habit.
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The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
What did the nun say when she wanted to get everyone’s attention?
Nun of your business.
Nun #2: “Saint Peter, forgive me, I once touched a man’s penis.”
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and let’s get the fuck out of here.”
Why do I feel bad when I see white girls dating black guys, am I racist?
What do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?
What’s the difference between an o**… and a r**… thermometer?
Bad habits.
Have you ever seen your wife being fucked?
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, “Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Mother superior adjusts her glasses in disbelief at what she is seeing. “My goodness for such special guests please ask anything you wish”
She said that needles were habit forming.
Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a flasher.
It’s nun of your business.
If a nun’s robes were made of adamantium…
Why am I so jealous towards couples? Why am I tired of being single and feel my life is over?
What do you call a women-led monastery?
“Then,” continues Sister Michael, “he stopped and pulled down his trousers.”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
The leprechaun grins. “if not in Ireland I know there are convents all over gods creation. Perhaps one is there?”
“Why, my son?”
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”
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“It’s a plane!”
“All right then” the Leprechaun continues “Do ye think there’d be a Leprechaun Nun within a Nunnery in all of Ireland?”
Again, the Nun warns him.
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She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” says the passenger nun.
That’s a hard habit to break.
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
Half an hour passes and the priest says “It’s still really cold on this couch sister, I don’t think the Lord would mind us acting like man and wife just for one night do you?”
What do a person with a lisp and a nun have in common?
The old nun immediately had a stroke.
It’d be a hard habit to break.
Which character would a nun be in Star Wars?
I heard what you said to the nun, and I’ve got a little tip for you.
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, would you like a Drink?’
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
She responds “oh no I would certainly remember that”
The first nun said “the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, “Sister, have you got a pen?”
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, “what’s a q**…?”
What do you call a flag with a nun on it?
Virgin Mobile.
The library put it in the nun fiction section.
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**… in it.
What do you call two nuns that don’t have family in common?
The nun then climbs into the front seat and gives him the best blow job of his life. Really curls his toes.
Nun #4: *taps Nun #3 on the shoulder and says* “Do mind if I gargle with that water before you sit in it?”
What’s the difference between a nun in church and a prostitute in a bathtub?
The first one says “I found n**… pictures on his desk so I tore them”.
Why did the nun get kicked out?
St Peter says to the nuns, “Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven.”
I saw a nun wearing a concrete dress.
The nun frowns “If there was not one in Ireland I have to doubt there would be one anywhere on earth”
A soldier approaches a nun.
“Hello nun” he says, “God told me I shall come to Earth to fuck with you!”
Dirty Nun Jokes
What do you call a nun’s cell phone?
How many religious women does it take to change a light bulb?
A nun-profit.
“Oh God dammit, I missed again.”
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
He doesn’t understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles “no thank you” and hurries Back to the church.
Enter the world of holy hilarity with our collection of priest and nun jokes! These jokes delve into the humorous interactions, playful banter, and comical dynamics between priests and nuns.
Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.
A knock comes from the door.
If a nun went to college, what would be her major?
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“Terrible news, Mother Superior. We’ve discovered a case of syphilis in the convent.”
A nun rolling down a hill.
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
The second nun said “that’s great! The carrots are doing great too, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The young priest said, “I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**…?”
“Hey Father, I’ll give the best b**… of your life for $10.”
Sorry, it’s a habit.
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office
“I’m telling everybody”
Nun are safe.
Three nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter.
99 nuns gasp one in back giggles.
Why can’t a nun disagree with a priest?
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
Why do priests have s**… with altar boys?
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**… man.
Lettuce pray.
Two tight-ends and a wide receiver!
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
100 nuns are meeting with the priest.
What do you call a nun that won’t work?
“Same is in town, Father, $20”
Note:
A man walks into a bar…
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
How many nuns have a husband?
“What is it?!” asks the second nun.
“Actually I am” says the cabbie.
Why can’t you ever touch a nun?
The hung over Leprechaun, at this response, starts to look very worried, and the hot headed one looks extremely angry about something.
She does it out of habit.
They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
The nun says “if it was God’s wish, I will obey” so they go behind a bush and start to fuck.
The answer is “Nun of the above”.
What do you call oyster nuns?
Why are nuns so predictable?
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
The younger one didn’t touch it.
The hippie thanks him for the tip and gets off the bus.
Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.
The driver nun does so, but the tiny Dracula is still not dislodged and
Virgin mobile.
Nun-convent-ional.
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, “Listen, I better go next because I’m not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it.”
“Yes it is, sister.”
The first nun asks, “What part did you get?”
Faith book.
She leads them up the stairs and down a long hallway to the office of mother superior. The one silent leprechaun continues staring sheepishly at the ground.
The nuns
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
With our selection of hilarious nun jokes, get ready for a ton of laughter! As we celebrate the funnier side of nuns, these belly-laughing jokes will have you in tears.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write: ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished?’”
“I wasn’t going to.” Mother Superior replies, “I was just going to ask why you were wearing the Bishop’s slippers?”
The second nun then said, “I was going through father’s drawers and found a box of condoms.”
Nun.
Nun-derwear.
Otherwise, they’re getting nun.
What do you call nun in heaven?
“This has to be a joke!”
“Oh mother superior has been here nearly sixty years and she would be able to answer any questions you have” responds the young nun
The nun replies. “That’s OK, my name is Bruce and I am going to fancy dress party.”
Joshua, son of Nun.
Sisters I must confess, I have had s**… s**… relations with a woman.
So the Mother Superior of an Irish nunnery is sitting in her office when suddenly two Leprechauns walk through her door; one looking like he was walking off a bad hangover and the other looking like he’s about to kill someone. After a short moment so that she could regain composure (because…you know…Leprechauns), she asks, “How can I help you two?”
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**… man.
“Let me fetch you a blanket Father,” she replies and goes and gets him one. He thanks her but is still cold. After a few minutes he says “It’s still really cold on the couch Sister.”
She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
“Well,” replies Sister Michael, “After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress.”
4 nuns go to heaven
What’s a nun behind a stroller?
What do you call a nun that does the same thing over and over?
They’re creatures of habit.
Excitedly the priest stands up and heads towards the bed…
Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun
What kind of kids do nuns help?
Nun-related.
In response to the news I just said “Holy fuck!”
The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.
You dress her up like an altar boy
Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.
This is nun-believable.
How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun?
A cab driver picks up a Nun…
Two nuns walk into a bar.
I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
To make sure the other nun gets none.
you must be Catholic.”
Irish Nun Jokes
“Because,” explains Sister Michael, “a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!”
Make preparations for a ribald trip with our selection of daringly dirty nun jokes if you want to engage in some spicy comedy and have a naughty sense of humor.
Nun.
What does a nun’s asshole look like?
Priest and Nun Jokes
Nun-jas.
What did the priest say to the nun at the salad bar?
Why wouldn’t a nun walk around in a bikini?
The man says, “Well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”
After the officers disappear the soldier leaves the dress and says: “thank you so much! I don’t want to go to Afghanistan! My apologies, but I got to say that you have a nice pair of legs.”
Two nuns are cycling through the old streets of Florence. Out of breath, the first nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
Nun!
“It’s a bird!”
Nun Jokes for Adults
What did the nun say when she couldn’t believe what was happening?
Nun-derprivileged.
“Oh, you know,” says the nun, “$10, same as downtown.”
Why was the nun upset about her new job?
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, “Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!”
What do you call a nun on a bike?
“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”
Through her “missionary” work course.
“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..
How much s**… does a priest have?
Drug dealers: “It’s a set up!”
… when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It’s getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says “I don’t think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I’ll take the couch, you can have the bed.” She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the night the priest says “Sister it sure is cold on this couch.”
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat
Without missing a beat, the Mother Superior states “I know for a fact that there isn’t one with in this Nunnery”.
“Though I could wrong, but I do not believe that there is a Leprechaun Nun in Ireland” the Mother Superior responds.
This time he’s starting to nod off when he’s again awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m still cold!” So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he’s almost asleep this time she calls again, “Father, Father, I’m sooo cold!” The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?” The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, “Yes Father, I’d like that!” To which the priest responds,
“Do want a q**… for ten bucks?”
“We know this is a sinful place, but the synagogue is just being renovated, and we thought we would sit here to discuss religious issues.”
“We know it’s not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here.”
Later that day the priest is contemplating his day in the rectory garden when he sees a nun. He can’t get this “head” out of his head, so he asks the nun, “Sister, can I ask you a question? What’s head.”
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, “You know, I’ve heard they eat dogs in America.”
It is Okay, I used a c**….
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
In walks the man and says, “Hi, now where do you want this blind?”
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
I realized why priests always have s**… scandals with boys
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Top of the morning to ye, mother! We come with a question. Are there any leprechaun nuns here?”
It was the priest, because he “pastor” a while back.
The taste.
What do you call a Nun on the run?
4 Nuns
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies, “Eve.”
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
… but now that I’ve met Sister Ruth, I’m confident I’d enjoy getting into the habit.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
The bartender says “that’ll be 2020”
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
The nun sternly replied, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
And the old nun says, “Twenty bucks, same as on the street.”
I can’t stop making nun jokes.
She had a drug habit.
The Leprechaun then turns and decks the hungover Leprechaun straight on to the floor and yells. “YE IDJIT!!! WE FUCKED A PENGUIN!!”
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
Well, the sisters all agree if he is blind, there’s no harm letting him in while they’re nude, and it is still *very* hot so they’d rather stay nude if they can… so they let him in and lock the door again.
Nun of the above.
The priest doesn’t know what head is but he figures it’s bad if it is something she’s confessing to, so he gives her a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
Three nuns walk into a bar
When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
“Well what about in any other convent in Ireland? Do you think one might be there?”
The man said, “I don’t have health insurance.”
Who won the race between the priest and the nun?
“…fine…” The angered Leprechaun says, “There wouldn’t happen to be the slightest chance that there would be a Leprechaun Nun anywhere in this world?”
“Only five years though. Not quite an expert. Has anyone been around a bit longer?” Asks the leprechaun.
It went nun-detected.
He asks again “you have studied the history of this convent. Any records of any leprechaun nuns in those archives?”
The nun replies, “Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?”
“Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blaspheme like that, surely the Lord will strike you down with lightning.”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
The bartender says, “What is this? A joke?”
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
When she flies over, people say:
Knock! Knock!
If you guessed “Angel nun” you are wrong.
A naive young priest is sent to New York City…
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
What’s a nun’s favorite fruit?
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
The c**… had a hole in it.
He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
Are you looking for the best nun comedy around? Don’t look elsewhere! The most hilarious nun jokes have been gathered by us, and they’re sure to make you laugh out loud.
Nun.
He said, “Just a sister, who’s a spinster nun.”
“Oh God dammit, I missed.”
St. Peter says to the first nun, “Sister, you’ve lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?” The nun looks serious and answers him, “St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a young novice and naive about the world, I gave a man a hand job in the confessional.”
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
The angel infront of the gate asked the first nun “have you held a phallus” and the nun said “accidentally I touched the tip once” and the angel said “wash your finger tips in that basin of holy water and your sins would be cleared”, the angel asked the 2nd nun the same question and the 2nd nun said “I once held one in my palm for a brief second” and the angel said “wash your palm in that basin of holywater and your sins will be cleared, the 4th nun came in rushing before the 3rd nun and the angel said “calm down sister there is no need to rush ” and the nun said “I am not washing my mouth with that water after the 3rd sister washes her ass with it”
I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.
And then a voice booms from above…
“I don’t want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I’ll explain later.” Said the man.
Nun.
The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
The bartender says, “why the long face?” The horse screams, “I will end you!” And bites the bartender in the t**…. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, “why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!”
Hilarious Nun Jokes
A nun is walking to church.
What do you call the never-before-seen nun outfit?
“Are you kidding?!” the priest said. “You can’t do that. 100 Hail Mary’s and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?”
The nun replies, “No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”
“Get your own fucking blanket.”
A priest and a nun …
Out of habit.
Knock Knock Nun Jokes
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The other nun looks down and says, “You’re wearing the priest’s shoes”
With these spotless jokes, we highlight the funnier side of nuns, so come along on a happy journey packed with chuckles and good-natured humor!
What did the nun say when she didn’t want to answer questions?
A priest was scolding a nun for exposing herself to the congregation multiple times…
A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God…
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
She’s nun-touchable.
A priest is taking confession when a woman confesses to giving head…
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Ten bucks same as in the park.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
At the green, again the priest takes his shot, but the ball rolls past the hole, coming to a stop just a few inches away from it.
Suddenly, there’s a huge thunder crash and bright flash of lightning, and the priest finds himself standing all alone on the golf course.
“It’s an honor to meet you, mother superior! We have some questions.”
A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar
I wrote a novel about religious women.
Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
“Thank the Lord you are alright!”, exclaims Sister Patrick. “But what happened to that man?
The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on.
Get ready for a craic-filled time with our collection of Irish nun jokes! These jokes blend the charm of the Irish with the humor of nuns, resulting in a unique and delightful combination.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
NSFW
Sister Patrick gasps. “Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?”
The third nun fainted.
A cardinal mistake.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
What do you call a group of nuns with swords?
Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint… and the AC isn’t working great (that’s getting fixed tomorrow). It’s a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they’re all sisters in Christ, they’ll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other clothes while painting so they aren’t sweating so much.
How much money do nuns have?
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Anything father.”
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
An alcoholic priest and a fornicating nun were having a lively conversation as they walked into a bar.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
What kind of fun do priests have?
“We understand there are no leprechaun nuns here now. Has there been any in your tenure?”
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door. She says, “Who is it?”
Did you hear about the lonely preacher who invited women to his birthday party?
And the priest says: “To always have beer, weed and hookers.”
What did the priest say to get the nuns to stop spraying perfume?
The nun says: “To be nailed to crosses, to walk for years in boiling hot land and drown in a flood.” She then teleports to hell.
The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”
One has hope in her soul
It’s time to unleash the hilarity with our knock-knock nun jokes! Brace yourself for a series of interactive and playful jokes that revolve around nuns.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
… are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m cold!” The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she’s OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
There are women around but they don’t want nun.
Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?
The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender also asks them.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
“It must be the cobbles”, says the other.
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
No meat
“We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates.”
The third nun fainted.
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
“You are all going to hell!” he announces. “As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Each chosen will happen to you constantly forever.
I don’t sleep with too many nuns…
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
“I’m 72 and just had s**… with two 25 year olds” he claimed.
… but I’m willing to get into the habit.
What kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?
“Thank ye Mother,” states the Leprechaun “My first question is this; would there happen to be a Leprechaun Nun in this nunnery?”
The nun says, “Mother Superior told me.”
Works best with your most over the top Irish accent.
“I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
A few minutes later the hippie wants to get out too and right as he wants to leave the bus, the bus driver yells “hey you, hippie, come over here.
“I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
She felt nun-welcomed.
On the third day, two Irish priests walk into the bar. The bartender asks one of them,
What’s a nun’s favorite weapon?
[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder nun.
The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, “Excuse me sister, I’ve always fantasised about having sex with a nun.”
“I burned them.”
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
This happens another 12 times, by now the nun is pissed off, she bumps in to Mother Superior who smiles at her.
“Is that when you swore?”
They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.
Nun-fiction.
Ba-nun-as.
How did a prostitute become a nun?
The young nun is still shocked by their presence but answers “no, I’ve been here five years and there are no leprechaun nuns in this convent”
Sister Patrick stares in shock.
The nun replied “Ten bucks same as in town.”
“No! It’s Nun of the Above!”
So a man walks into confession and says “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. The priest says “What have you done, my son?”
“And,” Mother Superior continues, “the condom was broken.”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
Nun who?
The first nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
What do you call a naked nun?
Feeling bad he says, “Actually sister I’m not Catholic”.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
The nun replies, “$20, same as in town”
Nun-alcoholic.
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says, “Oh, that’s a hard one”.
99 nuns gasp one nun in the back giggles.
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
I don’t flirt with nuns very often…
One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
Nun showed up.
99 nuns giggle, one in the back gasps.
A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**… stopped him and said, “Hey father, $20 for a b**….” The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**….
St. Peter is surprised, but he tells her, “Well, sister, that was one tiny mistake in a lifetime of pious service. Wash your hands in the holy water, say 10 hail Marys and you can go on in to heaven.”
“I’m afraid we have some bad news,” the Mother Superior says. “It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls.”
A cabbie picks up a nun…
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
The leprechaun turns to his friend and says “see? I told you ya fucked a penguin”
Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.
“Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what’s a b**…?”
The second nun replies hesitantly, “Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand.”
“Oh no” states the Mother Superior, “Though the possibility exists, why would they go away from their homeland to be a nun?”
Stag-nun-t.
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
Holey.
The first nun responds, “Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
On the next Sunday at 10AM, the hippie goes to the St. Martin graveyard in a Jesus costume and after a few minutes he finds the nun.
she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
A nun, a priest and a politician…
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. “Oh no,” she says, “some a**…’s got my pen.”
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there’s not enough for everybody. The nun says “we need to save the children!” The politician yells back “SCREW THE CHILDREN!” The priest looks at the politician and says “Do we have time?”
It’s incest to have sex with sisters.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
Why did the church hire extra security guards?
The monk says: “To be ill with a plague, to be a slave and to live in darkness.” He then teleports to hell.
A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”
She had a nasty habit.
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
My parents are really religious
A young priest…
After a while the hippie asks the nun “hey you, wanna fuck?”
Leprechaun nuns
A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.
“Go ahead”, answered the nun.
Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: “have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?”
The second nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
“Yes I’ve never been to confession before. I’m Jewish.”
And a h**… shouts and says, “$20 for a h**…!”, but the priest keeps walking.
While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.
A nun, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.
Nun Solo.
Petey: “Sister, wash you hands in this Holy Water and then you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, “See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I’ll go right: he can’t follow us both. We’ll meet back at the Abbey.”
“Oh father, may I touch it?”
A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary…
The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven.
The blind guy comes in, sets some stuff down, looks around and says “Nice tits, sisters. Where do you want the blinds?”
“And Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
Nun.
Who’s there?
My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant
Nun.
Now, how about that drink?”
“Why of course,” says the driver. “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rolls down the window and screams out at the small creature, “Get the f**k off our car, you little c**ksucker!”
St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Water and then you may enter they Kingdom of Heaven.”
The angry Leprechaun, now steaming, takes a few moments without a word to blow off his sudden anger. After a few moments he says “Thank ye for yer time Mother.”
I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
Okay, thinks the nun. “Come in then”.
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
The nun screams “DON’T ASK ME IF I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!”
The nun responded: “should have looked higher, you would have seen the nicest pair of balls. I also don’t want to go to Afghanistan!”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
A Bus Full Of Nuns….
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun. “What was the name of the first woman?”
The nun scolds the priest.
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, “I don’t.”
“Use the washer,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled it with Holy Water while we were at the Vatican.”
Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.
Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
“Well done!” Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying, “As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?”
“Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!”
A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.
Dress her as an altar boy.
A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.
Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, “hey sister what’s ‘head’?
I know a nun who says her nightly prayers in the shower.
But the nun replies “no, God forbids it!” And she gets out on the next stop.
The rabbi behind them saw it in time to duck.
Cloisters.
“It’s only 10 a.m., and I’ve never seen you here before 11!”
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
“Oh no Father, let me get you another blanket,” and up she gets and fetches him another.
Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?
Confused, the priest replies “No thank you, my dear.”
How many Women Priest are there?
Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”
How much fun did the priest have at the weekend ?
A nun gets out of bed
What’s a nun’s favorite answer to a multiple choice question?
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
What do you call an alpha nun?
A horse walks into a bar…
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”
“Yes sister?”
We must stop this nun scents.
A man, his wife, a group of nuns, a priest, a rabbi, Little Johnny, an American, a Russian, an Irishman, an Indian, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a cop, a king, a lawyer, a politician, and a dog walk into a bar.
2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.
Sister Mary: “Who is it?”
Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?
She had a filthy habit.
Why was the new nun sad?
“Is that true father?”
“I agree,” the nun replies, “I don’t think he would mind if we acted like we were married, just for the one night.”
Nun Jokes One Liners
A force of habit.
Later that day, the priest asks a nun “what is a h**…?”
The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
She was nun-derpaid.
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
Nun-chucks.
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –
Clean Nun Jokes
What do you call an unusual home for nuns?
Best Nun Jokes
A priest was confronted by a p**….
A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Nun-precedented.
The fourth one ducks
“Father, watch your language. Take the Lord’s name in vain again, and surely He will strike you down with lightning.”
I have an a-nun-cement.
The man exclaims,
Four nuns have just died
If you guessed “Heaven nun” you are wrong.
“Och! Come back!” the Scot shouted after them. “It just grew some more!”
After they’re done the hippie throws of his costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the hippie!”, then the nun throws off her costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the bus driver!”
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
How didn’t the nun know she’s been sick for years?
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Nun.
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
Why do nuns always go places in pairs?
The deaf nun shouts “which priest you talking about?”
Nun-functional.
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US…
The nun agrees, “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”
Which Bible character didn’t have parents?
Why did the blind nun fall down the well?
Mother superior strokes her chin “oh I doubt that. Certainly a story like that would have made it’s rounds through here by now.”
Do you know how many women have been pope?
Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Nun of your business!
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
What do you call a holy woman that works in your office?
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
What type of books do nuns read?
Three nuns are talking after having cleaned the priest’s desk.
He’s nun-objectionable.
What kind of meat can a priest eat on Friday?
you have to be single and
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car…
“Sure”, says the Mother Superior, “why not?”
Two Irish nuns were visiting Scotland for the first time when they saw a burly Scot wearing a traditional kilt. One nun whispered to the other, “Do ye suppose it’s true what they say? That they dinna wear anything underneath their kilts?”
“I poked holes in them.”
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
… and while waking through the park is approached by a s**…-clad p**….
Slim to Nun?
What kind of drinks do nuns drink?
A priest is doing some community work downtown…
“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke
Domi-nun-t.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her…
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
“It’s the blind man,” comes the response.
“Oh god dammit, how could I miss that!”, exclaims the priest.
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
A nun and a priest are playing golf
Overhearing them, the Scot proudly turned toward them and raised his kilt, revealing a massive erection.
The first nun quickly replied, “The garden of Eden”.
Two Irish nuns visited Scotland for the first time…
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
Funny Nun Jokes
To which the man asks, “So, have you ever tried it?”
Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun?
“I’m sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?”
100 Nuns
He looks to the first nun and asks, “Where did the first woman live?”
4 nuns died and went to heaven
…when he is propositioned by a h**….
“Correct!” Says St Peter. “You may enter.”
“Father, I’m surprised to see you here.”
The bartender is surprised and then asks them
What do you have when you put 2 nuns and a hooker on a football field?
She replied with: “I can’t help it, I have a bad habit.”
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
Female monasteries are nun-profit.
“It’s Superman!”
What does a nun wear under her habit?
St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
“If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?” begged the priest.
From the door comes “It’s the blind guy!”
What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
What do you call it when a nun sins regularly?
She thinks for a moment “I’ve read every book in our library twice, definitely no leprechaun nuns in our history”
“GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN d**… BLANKET YA HARPY!”
“Oh, faith and begorrah! That’s gruesome!” screamed the nuns, running away.
“I’ve heard the same thing,” says the second.
Nun.
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
The bartender looks at the man and says, “Is that nun in here again?”
The second one says “good for you sister. I found condoms in his drawer so I put holes in them”.
hisses through the windshield even more menacingly.
She couldn’t see that well.
St. Peter smiles and says, “Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
A pen-nun-t.
“If it isn’t too much trouble, my friend and I have a couple of questions if you’re willing to answer them.” Says the hot-headed Leprechaun
Mother Superior looks up, “Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
Fi-nun-ce.
A roamin’ Catholic.
The other has soap in her hole.
The priest takes his putter and puts the ball towards the hole, in what should be in incredibly easy shot. Unfortunately, the ball skims the side of the hole and overshoots, coming to rest just next to it.